Wednesday, 16 September 2009

shopping carts

I was thinking that we should start using shopping carts as a form of transportation. Just hop on into one, and ride it around. You could even throw a bunch of pillows in to make it comfortable. It would be so much fun!

" Wait, so people would have to push you around all the time, right?"

- No silly! Who would want to do that? You would just run along, hop in, and coast down the hill, with the wind in your hair....

"How would you go back up the hill?"

- Well we would have to build shopping cart lifts, of course...cuz it wouldn't be very fun to walk back up the hill without one..."

"So, essentially, your idea for a new form of transportation, really only works if you are on a hill..."

- Well...yeah, I guess. But hills are somewhere that wasn't on top of a hill!

"My house isn't on top of a hill...I guess I couldn't go anywhere in a shopping cart."

- Hmm...that's unfortunate for you. You will just have to find an alternate form of transportation.

"Shopping carts are not a form of transportation."

- Well not for you they're not. You don't even live on a hill.


Tuesday, 25 August 2009

parking lot-chairs

I stopped by my local Harris Teeter today to get some food for dinner. When I pulled into the parking garage connecting to the Teeter, I was disappointed to see that it seemed really full, and cars were circling like hungry sharks, hoping for an open spot. But then I started laughing to myself, because it looked like a bunch of the cars were playing parking lot-chairs.

"Julian, I'm not sure I understand what you are referring to..."
- "You know, like that kids game..."
" musical chairs, you mean?"
- "Yeah!"
"Hmm...well it would probly make more sense to call it musical-parking lot, or musical parking spots for the analogy..."
- "What analogy?"
"The one where you are comparing musical chairs, to what was going on in the parking lot..."
- "At Harris Teeter?"
" Harris Teeter. Julian, I'm referring to the story you just mentioned to me. This has been one fluid conversation with no breaks...there's no reason you should be confused right now...."
- "hmm....well there actually wasn't any music playing in the parking it wasn't exactly like musical that what you are getting at?"
"'s not what I was getting at.......................nevermind."

Friday, 7 August 2009


I hate paying for stamps, so sometimes I just make my own stamps, out of cardboard, glue, glitter, tape, and aluminum. Some people might say that I am not artistic enough to make fake stamps, and that I wouldn't need all of those materials if I was trying to make a stamp. Other people might grab me by the collar and yell in my face, "Julian, do you even know what a stamp is?! Cuz it's outrageous that you think you need all of that stuff to make fake stamps."

I just chuckle to myself, and wait for them to lay their eyes on my stamps. They will be blown away by how shiny, and sturdy they are. "Wow Julian, you really have made some very shiny, and sturdy stamps...I'm sorry for grabbing your collar and yelling in your face."

I will respond..."it's ok my friend...just next time, think before you act....ok???"

I think they understand...

Monday, 13 July 2009

important message

Yesterday, I was shocked to find a dead bird outside my door. It would have been one thing if he was laying motionless behind the glass door, leading to my back deck. However, he was literally situated behind my bedroom door. My wooden, bedroom door, on the second floor of my house. This was very curious indeed...

Immediately, I knew there could be only one reason for his being there. He must have been bringing me a message! A very important message, surely. I quickly turned him over, and looked for some kind of parchment tied to his ankle. There was none.

I ran downstairs, and noticed that one of the windows was wide open.....that must have been the way he came in. Not knowing where to go, or what to do, I threw open the front door, and frantically searched for a sign, a clue....something, that could help me understand the purpose of this poor bird's mission....a mission that ended so horribly.

It didn't take me long to notice a man standing across the street. He had on a large, grey wool coat (which was strange, because it was the middle of july), and had shaggy, greasy hair down to his shoulders....He was staring right at me.

I cautiously stepped towards him and cried out...."who are you?? What do you want??"

He smiled, and called back, in a low, raspy voice...."I know what that bird was gonna tell you...."

"What??", I said, feeling progressively nervous.

He started laughing, a horrible, evil laugh..."He was going to tell you...that your time, as ruler of the tribe of Nosbit, is coming to an end, King Roger......"

"What are you talking about???"

He looked uncertain and hesitated before saying..."are you not King Roger, from the lands of the Far East? Ruler of the Nosbit tribe, who is currently at war with the Spokites of the North??"

"I have never heard of anything you are talking about..."

"I see......I'm embarassed....I really thought you were the king...."


"Geez...well I have no idea why that bird was bringing you a message then..."

"It's cool...I'll keep looking around for clues or something..."

"Yeah....yeah....well good luck!"

"Thanks man....I appreciate it.....and good luck with that war of yours...It sounds pretty intense."

"Yeah, thanks.....I guess I'll see you around??"

"Umm....yeah, maybe. We're actually having a cookout tomorrow...I don't know if you wanted to come by...."

"...Hm....I'll have to ask my wife....what time??"

"Around 8...."

"Alright....should I bring anything?"

"Maybe a six pack or something....but it's not necessary...."

"Ok....well, maybe I will..."

"Cool....welp...have a good night!"

"You too!"

To this day, I still don't know what that bird wanted to tell me...

"Julian, didn't you say all of this happened yesterday??"

- " I guess I haven't been trying to figure it out for too long...."

"I bet you'll figure it out one day..."

- "I hope so................................I hope so................"

Monday, 11 May 2009

rain forest

I think part of me has always been fascinated with rain forests. All the colors, sounds, and creatures everywhere are truly delightful subjects for thought. This is why I decided to plant a rain forest in my back yard.

I went out and got all the rain forest seeds I could find, and sought out as many rain forest creatures I could get my hands on.

It took a lot of watering and sunlight, but sure enough, a rain forest began to grow in my back yard. After a few months, I had a full grown, back yard, rain forest and I was so happy with the results.

I would spend hours, climbing the trees, jumping in the river, and playing with my favorite rain forest creature, Mr. Antelope.

But the rain forest kept growing and growing, and it started to grow all over, and even inside my house. Soon, I couldn't even find my way out of my room cuz I would get lost and stuck amidst the vines, moss, and branches growing everywhere.

I was getting pretty frustrated with all the vegetation growing everywhere, And to make matters worse, freakin' Mr. Antelope would not leave me alone!

"Come on Julian, Let's go outside and play!" He would say, over and over again...
- "Leave me alone Mr. Antelope! I need some time to need to give me some space...and besides, antelopes aren't even supposed to live in the rain forest..."
"Well where am I supposed to go??"
- "I don't know...find a prairie or a plain to run around in...just get out of this rain forest!"
"Fine, I will..."

And Mr. Antelope left the rain forest, and he never came back.

I felt pretty bad about how we left things...oh well...hopefully he found a nice African plain somewhere...

I got pretty grumpy with all the other animals as well, and soon all of them left, just like Mr. Antelope.

I guess I wasn't supposed to have a rain forest after all...

It's just kind of annoying now though, cuz I still have all these vines and rain forest trees growing all over my house, and I don't know how to get rid of them...

I guess I get what I deserve....

Lesson learned.

Monday, 27 April 2009

secret cave

I am definitely someone who loves to reflect on life, and I am happy to just sit, and let time go by while I think. Sometimes, when I really want to have some time to myself, I go to my secret cave. The cave is located in a small, secluded, and beautiful mountain, not far from my house. I decorated the cave with flowers, and I've painted some art on the walls...just like people did long, long ago...

Yesterday, my friend Harold called me on my cell phone, and told me that I needed to stop pretending the kids next doors' tree house was a secret cave. He said the neighbors were really angry that I had painted random things on the walls, and that I kept leaving flowers all over the ground.

I told Harold that he shouldn't grow up so fast, and learn to use his imagination a little more.....

...Harold is not getting invited to my cave party next Saturday...

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

milkshake recipe

Once, when I was little...I decided I would try and make a milkshake...

The most logical method to my young mind, was to simply mix milk and juice...

I tried mixing the milk with three different kinds of juice, each attempt leaving me disappointed...

I eventually decided that the flaw in my milkshake recipe had more to do with the basic idea of mixing milk and juice to make a milkshake, then it did with the type of juice I chose to use...

That was a very important lesson...

Tuesday, 31 March 2009


Now that the weather has started to warm up, I find myself wandering over to my favorite park nearby. It's a beautiful place, with lots of trees around the outside of it, and lots of animals moving around inside of it. Sometimes I get annoyed though, because I find that the park is really cold and wet. My friend Raymond told me that my "park" wasn't really a park at all....he said that it was actually a lake. I told him that he should use his brain a little more often, and to not be critical of every little thing I do.

Tuesday, 24 February 2009

make your friends laugh

If you are walking somewhere with your friends, and you decide that you want to make them laugh, it often works to pretend to trip and fall. This works particularly well when you are going up stairs. I just make myself miss a stair and fall down. Everyone usually starts laughing. However, the major problem with this laugh-inducing act, is that whenever I do it, it then becomes impossible to prove to my friends that I did it on purpose. They are all laughing at me, and I'm like..."I did that on purpose you know."...and they are like, "yeah right." Then it continues back and forth like that, and I can't prove my case. This then attacks my pride, and I end up irritated. So, in summary, tripping on purpose will make your friends laugh, but will leave you pissed off.


Sometimes, when I'm at work, I like to walk backwards around the office so that the other employees think that time is going in reverse. When someone notices me, I'll stop, look at my watch, and say something like...

"dang it, it's already back to 9am!"

They'll usually look kind of confused, and I'll start laughing inside because I am playing such a good trick on them. I'll do this to people all over the office, all day long. One guy stopped me and told me I should probably get back to my work. I explained to him that time had reversed all the way back to 7 am, so I didn't have to even come in for another two hours. He told me that no one thought my joke was funny, and that it was a distraction. Then I decided to make time go forward extra fast till it reached 5pm, and I went straight home, laughing and laughing at how funny I had been.

Thursday, 12 February 2009

grapefruit juice

Grapefruit juice tastes horrible after brushing your teeth....and so does grapefruit juice.

"Julian, you just said the same thing twice."

- No I didn't...I said that Grapefruit juice tastes....oh no...I did didn't I? I'm so embarrassed...

"No no, it's ok, don't worry about just made a little mistake, that's all."

- Yeah right...everyone's gonna think I'm a huge idiot.

"No one's gonna think that....."

- Not even a little bit??

"Well maybe a little..."

- ....yeah....well I guess that's fair...

"Yeah....I guess it is."

Tuesday, 10 February 2009


Question: On Saturday, how many minutes did I spend in the Native American Museum before I realized it wasn't the modern art museum I was supposed to be meeting my friends at?

Answer: Too many minutes.

Saturday, 7 February 2009

laughing too long

It really annoys me when I'm listening to a speaker at an event, and someone in the audience laughs for too long at one of his jokes. The individual usually has kind of an irritating, or unique laugh when this occurs. The reason this bothers me, is because then half the audience starts laughing again at the person's extra-long laugh, then the speaker has to wait, and his flow is completely messed up. Last time this happened, I got really annoyed, and confronted the situation.

Me: (whispering) Hey man, why did you have to laugh so long at that joke??
Him: What are you talking about? I just thought it was funny. What was I supposed to do?
Me: End your laugh at the same time as everyone else, and not make a scene. Now the speaker has to re-engage the audience.
Him: I'll re-engage you if you don't shut up!
Me: What does that even mean?
Guy next to me: Calm down man...
Me: I am calm, I just felt like the situation needed to be confronted.
Guy: You always do this! Make little things into really big events.
Me: What do you mean, always do this? I've never met you before!
Guy: Haven't you?? Christopher Robbins Elementary, Ms. Roberts' second grade class. Ring a bell??
Me: ....nope....I didn't go to that school.
Guy to the other side of me: Come on, you're Julian Burton right?
Me: What? yea, I am, but I didn't go Christopher Robbins Elementary.
Second Guy: Yeah I know, I'm just messing with you.
Me: How did you know my name?
Second Guy: What are you talking about?
Me: You just said my name!
Second Guy: What, Christopher Robbins?
Me: Huh? NO! you said my name was Julian Burton, Christopher Robbins is the school you were talking about.
Second Guy: I'm confused...You did go to Christopher Robbins??
Me: Oh my gosh...

I'm not really sure what happened there.